Election season is upon us, and with it, the standard promises, attacks, speeches, gaffes, smiles and stern looks of leadership, all culminating in the naming of one man to the highest office in all the land.

As is my wont, I was writing up a review of You’re Not Elected, Charlie Brown, when Patrick suggested that I do a preview of sorts, in the form of a “what-if-they-were” post. I immediately cottoned to the advice, and so present the top 5 political figures of the election year as Peanuts characters.

Hillary Clinton is…Lucy Van Pelt

Anyone who would liken Alaska governor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin to the fussbudget-imbalancing Lucy has a brain as muddled as Pigpen’s underwear. Say what you will about either of these ladies, but they are outspoken, blunt, determined, and more than a tad bitchy. Hillary’s pulled the football away from Bill so many times it’s no surprise he likes to be on his back so much.

Joe Biden is…Shermy

Poor Shermy. He started out a star, the dink to Charlie Brown’s doink, the bacon to the eggs, the butter to the biscuit, the Lee to the Thurston. But somewhere along the way, his creator realized Shermy really wasn’t all that memorable, and a co-headliner became an extra. When people are placed in stations higher than the one they are genuinely meant to occupy in life, their luck will only last so long before they regress to their proper place. That’s what will happen to Biden if and when Barack Obama is named president. There’s nothing wrong with Biden, it’s just…some people are Shermys.

Sarah Palin is…Sally Brown

Sarah and Sally love to futz with words. But Sally has an excuse–she’s a child. What’s Palins deal? She’s from Alaska? Fuck that, polar bears are from Alaska too, and they’re mad smart. Because Sally is a fictional character, a drawing, her blunders and malapropisms are endearing and hilarious. Because Sarah is a real live person who could very well be one tumble down the stairs away from the presidency, she’s just frightening.

Barack Obama is…Linus Van Pelt

Oh what, you thought I was gonna say Franklin? Please, Obama wishes his pants looked that cool. Get past the surface and it’s obvious that Barack shares the most common ground with Linus, the eloquent, thoughtful pontificater who to this day holds millions captive with his recitation of a Bible verse, even as he clutches a soft blue blanket in one hand. Also, Rev. Jeremiah Wright=The Great Pumpkin. Think about it.

John McCain is…the Kite-Eating Tree

Seriously, what a prick. Just waits around with a malevolent glee, waits ever so patiently for you to lose control of the kite and then opens up its wide, omnivorous yawp and munches and crunches all your hopes and dreams without a thought to the lives it has crushed and the futures it has irretrievably ruined. That tree’s a bastard, too.

Charlie Brown is…

Hmm. This was a toughie. I know the obvious surface comparison would be “Joe the Plumber” but that’s faulty for a couple reasons, not least that Chuck would never deem anyone a “communist”. Just not in his nature. Charlie Brown is a sweet kid, maybe not so bright, never quits even in the face of inevitable catastrophe, believes in his heroes, believes in love, believes he will one day win, takes care of his infinitely cooler animal companion, and gets made fun of by the other kids on the other block who somehow just wouldn’t be the same without olwishy-washy to push around while he’s down. He’s the kid who will never kick the football, but–through a mixture of stupidity and determination–can never stop trying. Isn’t it obvious who Charlie Brown is?